Peach

It has been a while since I wrote my first memorial for Autumn Care & Crossings. Inpeach on quilt
March of 2015, we became one of Dr. Schoenberg’s first clients, needing her
assistance to help our 15-year- old cat, Fog, cross the rainbow bridge. She was one of
a pair—sisters from a litter of feral kittens born in March of 2000. After Fog died, I
memorialized her for this site, and in that post I wrote:

We think Peach still has a few years with us, so we’re going to save Fog’s ashes
and when Peach’s time comes, we’ll ask Dr. Schoenberg to help her pass as well,
and then we’ll mingle the ashes of the two sisters. We’ll place them in the
garden to nourish a special planting. The girls will, in the end, be together
again.

As it turns out, Peach had another two and a half years with us, for which we are so
grateful. Dr. Schoenberg’s care and guidance during those years made such a
difference, and when Peach’s time to leave us came in August of 2017, we knew the
drill. We knew exactly how hard it would be, and also how easy it would be. In-home
euthanasia, as we had discovered with Fog, is the compassionate end-of- life passage
that we humans deny ourselves but gift to our pets.saying goodbye

 
After Fog’s death, Peach became an entirely different cat. Yes, for about six months
she mourned her sister’s death, meowing plaintively as she searched for her in the
house or awaited her at the bottom of the stairs. It ripped our hearts out. But
eventually she…forgot. She adapted to life as a single cat, and to our tremendous
surprise, she blossomed. After 15 years of almost exclusively feline companionship,
she became more of a “people cat.” Always the beta, she’d spent a lifetime deferring
to her sister when it came to food and affection. She was skittish, and often hid when
people came over, leaving them to joke about whether we really had a second cat
because only Fog had the courage to show herself and cozy up to strangers.

 
It was astonishing the way Peach suddenly came out of the shadows, literally and
metaphorically. She began snuggling up with anyone and everyone. When clients
came to the house, she would not leave them alone, jonesing for caresses from
anyone who would have her. It was as if she were making up for all of the years that
Fog got the lion’s share of attention. We were grateful that in her golden years, she
not only survived the loss of her sister, but she thrived.
I’ll never forget the day I took my then-eight- year-old daughter Charlotte to pick up
the kittens from their foster home. The gray tabby that we later named Fog was
quite ready to go. The orange tabby, not so much. While Fog liked being held and
handled, Peach did not. We were told she’d need “extra work” to become more
friendly with people. The truth is that it never really happened, until the very end.

As a kitten, Peach was much smarter than her sister. She was aloof, but so much
more curious and active. A mouse could walk by Fog’s nose and she’d yawn, but
Peach? She was on it! Little escaped her notice. She even had an uncanny ability to
recognize cat species when she saw them on television. While Fog dozed obliviously,
Peach trained her gaze on the screen anytime there was a pet cat…or lion, tiger,
leopard, or other big cat performing in a commercial or being filmed in the wild.
Jackson Galaxy mesmerized her. She just knew!
Peach lived to be 17 and a half. It’s hard to remember what life was like before we
had the two cats. My daughter is now 25 and independent. I was divorced and
remarried, and we’ve moved twice. It’s the end of an era for sure. I blinked my eyes
and the kittens and my little girl grew up. March of 2000 feels like a lifetime ago, and
like it was yesterday.

 
Now we are catless. Over the past 20 years, I’ve had two dogs, two cats, many fish,
and even one pet snake. My husband Geof has had many of his own pets as well.
Now we don’t even have a houseplant. We’re going to see how it goes. If we don’t get
another pet, we may never see Dr. Schoenberg again, but we will always remember
and be grateful for what she did for us, and for our kitties.

 
We love you, Peach. And we love you, Fog. Soon we will mingle your ashes under a
new azalea bush in the back yard, and you will be together again. That was always
the plan. In that way, you will always be with us.Peach and Fog (1)

Adding And Subtracting

When we talk about, and practice, hospice medicine and palliative care, the primary focus is on maintaining a good quality of life for our patients.  When I talk to my clients and ask them what their goals are for their pet, while the exact details may vary, this is almost always listed as their top priority.  But it does raise the question of what, exactly ‘quality of life’ is, and how we maintain it.

 

So often, quality of life is defined by the absence of things – absence of pain, absence of hunger, absence of fear, absence of discomfort or distress.   Because of this, measures to support quality of life are often investigated and implemented by finding things that could potentially cause a pet to suffer these unpleasant conditions and removing or preventing them.

-I don’t want my dog to be in pain, so I won’t take her on walks.

-I don’t want my cat to have an upset stomach, so I can’t feed him this food or these treats.

-I don’t want my pet to be afraid, so I can’t leave them home alone.

-I don’t want my pet to injure themselves given their poor vision or mobility, so I can’t let them have free roam of the house.

-My pet gets short of breath easily, so I can’t go running with her anymore.

 

And these are all important things to pay attention to, absolutely.  But in a phase of life that already lends itself to a negative mindset, focusing on subtracting and taking things away – on what you and your pet *can’t* do anymore – can lead to an even more intense focus on negativity, pessimism, and loss.  It can become a daily reminder of what you and your pet used to have, but can no longer share.

 

Instead, or in addition, we need to find ways to reframe quality-of-life as a presence of positive factors.  While we can improve a pet’s well-being by removing suffering, we can also improve it even further by adding joy.   One of the best ways to do this, and one of the most uplifting ways to improve quality of life for both pets and their caregivers, is to think of what your pet loves and work with your veterinary team to find ways to continue including that in their life – or if you’ve been unable to do so, to reintroduce it.

-If your dog loves going for walks but gets painful or tired, can you drive them to their favorite park instead of walking there?  Shorter walks, or walks over flat terrain instead of hilly, can also help.  Small or toy dogs can also enjoy walks in a stroller.

-If your dog loves sniffing things but can’t walk far, can you ask friends with pets to bring their dogs to your neighborhood, so your pet can then have a short “sniff walk” around the area?

-If your cat loves sitting in high places but can’t jump, ramps or stairs can help them get to their favorite positions.

-If your pet used to love to chase toys but can’t run anymore, toys can be slowly rolled to them, or tossed gently a short distance.

-If your pet loves spending time with family but is limited in where they have access for any reason, can you either move family time to a place that’s safe for them or revise the family space to make it more pet-safe?  Baby gates, play mats, and puppy pads can be very helpful for this.

-If you cat loves napping in sunbeams but can’t reach their favorite window seat anymore, bright lamps can create a warm, “sunny” spot for them.

 

There are as many solutions as there are pets and families – it may require a little bit of creativity and ingenuity, but ultimately focusing on how you can add things to make your pet happier instead of limiting yourself to just eliminating sources of suffering can both improve their quality of life beyond just ‘not suffering’ and help sustain your bond with them by finding ways that you can continue to share time and favorite activities, even as they age or face chronic illness.

Creating A Community

One of the things that I love the most about house call work, and hospice in particular, is the sense of community that it creates.  Veterinarians have always played an important role in sustaining and supporting the human-animal bond, but caring for an aging or ailing pet often calls for, and creates, a strong bond between both the caregivers and their nearest and dearest – and going into their homes and helping through that transition lets me bear witness to bonds of family, friendship, and love that I am honored to witness and, on some level, share in.

Autumn Care & Crossings is dedicating this summer to community support and outreach.  The more people are aware of animal hospice, and the important role that senior pets play in our lives, the better the lives of both pets and caregivers will be.  We’re starting, as a culture, to recognize the emotional impact of caring for our pets, and this is amazing – it means that more and more, people will be able to find the support and compassion they need to help them through this emotionally challenging time.  And the more people are aware of options for improving their pet’s quality of life, the more we will be able to act to keep our pets comfortable and happy through the last chapter of their life.

I’ve already taken a few steps to reach out into the

community to spread the word about animal hospice and palliative care.  Boston Voyager has been gracious enough to reach out and write a piece about AC&C, and animal hospice.  I’ve also written an article for A-DOG, the Arlington Dog Owners’ Group, to follow on the talk I gave in the fall about caring for aging pets.

And lastly, AC&C is a sponsor for the 2017 Somerville Dog Festival.  We’ll have a booth at the festival, sharing information about senior pet care, animal hospice, and quality of life, as well as offering supplies for making memorial gardens – please come out and join us!

If you know of an organization or resource in your community that would like to learn more about animal hospice, or a place to spread the word, please let me know!   The more people are aware of this option, and the more caregivers learn that they’re not alone in this phase of life, the better we can make life for people and pets out there.

Silly Wizard

They hold our histories

Live only to love & be loved.Wizard
Each fills space in your heart
Creating a place for another
The too quiet house echoes remembrance
Silence ebbs, recedes, displaced by life
Stories shared, brief moments in time
Love will be heard through sadness
Promise grows and flows into light
“A feeling once had is never lost.”

Milestones

I suppose it’s a mark of success in and of itself when a milestone passes and you’re too busy experiencing the event to take time, at that very moment, to celebrate it.

Two weeks ago we celebrated the second anniversary of Autumn Care & Crossings.  What started out as a daydream has turned into a full-time practice, and such a core part of my world that I can no longer imagine what my life would be like without it.  The practice of hospice, the philosophies and teachings, and the mindfulness that comes with it have shaped and colored both the way I work with my patients and their caregivers and every other facet of my life.

In my first year of hospice practice I learned so much about what hospice means, and what running a business means – and those are lessons that I honestly believe will continue to grow and change as long as I’m alive.  This year has seen me take a more formal turn towards both teaching and learning – the former through community outreach and lectures on caring for senior pets, and the latter through the IAAHPC’s Certification Program in Animal Hospice and Palliative Care.  I am so honored to be part of that program – to be able to be present at the start of such an important phase of this profession, and to do my best to offer the highest quality of care to my patients and clients.

At the same time, this year has brought the passing of some of our first and oldest patients.  Saying goodbye to a beloved family member is never easy, and the closeness that hospice care brings means that I share, at some level, in the loss of those pets who have been in my care.  In their memory, and in honor of every pet that has passed while in our care this year, Autumn Care & Crossings will again be making a donation to the MSPCA.  I can think of no better way to celebrate the lives of all of these beloved pets than by helping another animal to become the beloved companion of a caring and loving family.

The longer I travel along this path of hospice and end-of-life care, the more blessed I feel to have been called to it.  And it is the pets and the caregivers themselves who make me feel so lucky – I am grateful beyond words to every family that has opened their home to me and trusted me to shepherd them and their beloved companions through this transition, for every hug, every smile, every tear, and every wag and purr.  This is a precious phase of life, and you honor me by letting me be part of your team.  Thank you.

Molli

Molli came into our lives 17 years ago brought to us from a dear friend.  As soon as Molli walked out of her carrier she knew right away that this was her forever home. She always walked around with her beautiful tail straight up in the air with that curious question mark at the end ready for her next adventure.  She was not a lap cat but always used your hip like a pillow. Whatever room we were in she would grace us with her presence.  She was a seasoned mouser and whenever a fly got into the house it was doomed right from the start.  She absolutely loved to help me “make theIMAG1878-1-1-1 bed”! She loved playing hide and seek! We have so many loving memories. I could go on and on but…

It was in August 2016 that Dr. Becky came into our lives. We knew we did not want to put Molls through surgery and chemotherapy when she was diagnosed with colon cancer. With Dr. Becky’s kind and supportive care we were able to give Molli quality of life through the end. Dr. Becky always helped us feel comfortable with our decision to provide palliative care and would prepare us to make that heart- wrenching decision when the time came.  So on January 20, 2017 Dr. Becky was there for us. She explained to us what to expect to help Molli have a peaceful crossing. From beginning to end Dr. Becky was there for us.

Bonding With Older Pets

As our pets age, we face many different challenges and changes in our relationships with them.  Part of this comes with the transition from companion to caregiver – older pets often require more support, medical care, and supervision, leading to a change in how we spend our time with them and how our pets behave around us.  But there’s also the fact that frequently older pets aren’t interested in, or able to, take part in shared favorite activities.  Dogs may be less interested in going for car rides or long runs; cats may not sleep in our beds or chase their toys anymore; and these changes impact our bond with them at the same time that we’re facing fear from difficult diagnoses, stress from changing care schedules, and frustration from struggling to medicate our pets or manage the symptoms of their illness or aging.

In times like this, it’s incredibly important to find ways to maintain and support that bond, and to engage with our aging and ailing pets in ways that make them happy and remind us of our love for them and the joy they bring into our lives.   Older pets can still be active parts of our families and our lives, and can still be incredible sources of love and happiness, if we’re willing to work with them.

Every pet is different, but there are almost always ways to adapt their favorite activities to fit with their current levels of energy, mobility, and strength.  For dogs with arthritis and mobility problems, the change can be as simple as adjusting your walking routines.  Shorter walks can still be fun and bonding – or, if your pet isn’t able to walk all the way to the park and back, it may be easier to drive to the park and walk around there, then drive home.  Adapting your route can help as well; walking on level ground instead of hilly areas or on surfaces with more traction can help an older pet still enjoy their time outside.

Dogs who used to love to chase toys but aren’t able to run anymore can still engage in their favorite toy by walking after a slowly rolled ball, or a toy that was gently tossed a short distance.  If your pet used to love car rides but now gets anxious in the car or can’t jump in anymore, mobility aids may help – a ramp or stairs to get into the car, and a seat belt harness once they’re inside, may help them enjoy this shared activity again.

Older cats may withdraw from family due to unrecognized joint pain – if your kitty isn’t hopping up onto the bed or sofa, talk to your veterinarian to see if they’re actually in discomfort and if there’s anything that can be done medically to treat them.  Also, stairs or ramps up to furniture can make it easier for an older pet with arthritis or limited strength to get back to their favorite perches.  Older pets also often have diminished senses; toys with brighter colors, bells, or scented with catnip may be more appealing and more likely to encourage them to play and interact – and just like dogs, a few shorter play sessions may be more fun for a pet that tires easily.

Ultimately, think about what you and your pet loved doing together, and talk to your veterinarian.  Together, you can put together a plan to keep that shared fun in you and your pet’s life, and keep your relationship with them positive and rewarding at this new stage in their life.

Buddy

 

Buddy, our handsome Golden boy, was well known in our town. For twelve years, daily wadsc_0174lks took him and his Golden “sister” Kara through the town square with stops at the library, church, banks, real estate office, coffee shop, and ice cream shop to say Hi to friends. He marched in Little League parades and performed in the dog show at the local summer festival. He especially loved running on the beach, chasing seagulls. He was really fast, even as he got older. People would just stop and watch him. His speed was impressive. Everyone loved Buddy and he loved everyone! And he so loved his family. He knew each of us by name and was always happy and excited to see us…even if we just went to check the mailbox. He really was loyal and faithful, true to his name.

 

At age 12½, Buddy suddenly fell ill. It came on quickly. We were devastated. Although Buddy was always happy to go anywhere, the vet’s office was not his favorite place. He would park his 65 pound body on my lap and give me that “please protect me” look with his big brown eyes. We always knew that if the time came that we had to make an end-of-life decision for Buddy, we wanted his last moments to be at home surrounded by the family that loved him. And then that day came. Although saying goodbye to Buddy was one of the hardest things we’ve had to do, Dr. Schoenberg made it the best experience it could possibly be for both Buddy and for us. That means a lot.

 

Since Buddy’s passing, many people have told us how he touched their lives or made them smile. Many people have cried with us and for us at the loss of such a special member of our family. His passing was mentioned in the local newspaper. Losing Buddy was hard beyond words, but knowing that we did the right thing for our precious boy by having Dr. Schoenberg come to our home so he could pass in a place that he loved surrounded by those who loved him gives us comfort. And we know he’s chasing seagulls…still the fastest dog on the beach.

What Is Normal?

Facing the loss of a pet brings so many challenges to the people going through that experience – but the longer I work in hospice and end-of-life care, the more I realize that one of the most difficult parts of this loss for many people is just the fact that we live in a culture that doesn’t give us a guideline for how to navigate such a tragedy.

While everyone experiences grief differently, for most forms of loss there are standard procedures and behaviors that we can look to, that help shape our reactions and let us know that what we’re going through is normal and accepted.  We cry, we hold funerals, we send flowers, we partake in rituals that are given to us by our faith, our families, and our communities.  But very few of those resources exist for the loss of a pet, and so often people don’t know quite how to behave or react in the face of that pain.

So many times I hear clients ask me, ‘Is this normal?’ or ‘Does everybody do this?’  Or, even more tragically, they hesitate to ask for things that may comfort them or aid them in their grieving process because they are afraid that it will seem strange or silly.  And I want, more than anything, to help dispel that fear and reassure everyone reading this that, whatever shape it takes, your path through loss is the right one for you.

First, grief is universal in the face of loss.  Different people may express it in different ways – some people cry, some are quiet, some tell stories; some people need company and others need to be alone; some need to take action and others need time for introspection – but those are all reactions to the pain and heartache of losing a living being that you shared your life with.  It is entirely normal to hurt, to feel sorrow, and to mourn that loss.  You are not alone or unusual in loving, caring, or hurting, and there is nothing wrong with having such love and compassion in your life that you grieve when that part of your family is no longer with you.

Secondly, for all that grief is universal, mourning and memorializing are incredibly unique and personal.  We all bring our own beliefs, history, and experiences with us to every relationship in our life, and to the passings that happen when those relationships end.  As tragic as death is, every loss is in some way a celebration of the bond shared between the being that passes and the person or people who loved them, and a final chance to act to honor that bond.

If there is something that feels like an appropriate way to honor your pet’s passing, or that would comfort you in the face of that loss, please tell your veterinarian.  I promise you, it is not silly, you will not startle or offend us, and if anything we will be grateful for the trust you are showing us and the chance we have to help you and your beloved pet.  Whether it’s making them a favorite meal first, singing a favorite song or reading a prayer or poem, having pictures of family who can’t be present nearby, saving a lock of fur, sending them with a favorite toy, treat, or symbol of faith after they have passed, or any other act that may feel right to you, please do tell us.  This is part of why I describe what we do as end-of-life care, and not just euthanasia – there is so much more to saying goodbye to a beloved pet than just the act of helping them pass, and both you and your pet deserve to be cared for with compassion, respect, and kindness throughout that experience.

I’ve said before that there is no one right or wrong way to grieve, and that holds true for the process of letting go.  It seems paradoxical to say both that grieving is normal and that each person’s grief process is different and special, yet both are true, and worry and self-consciousness have no place interfering in such a challenging time.  Your bond with your pet is unique, and it is our job (and our honor) as hospice veterinarians and caretakers of that bond to help both you and your pet navigate this final chapter of their life in the best way possible.